Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
—Bill Cosby
One of the most damaging behaviors in any personal or business relationship is verbal abuse. Quite simply, it makes you look like an insecure bully. The truth is: Selfconfident people never need to yell.
Luckily, yelling can be one of the easiest patterns to change. This is one of the cases in which it helps to look into the past and see if anything in your history allowed this bad habit to fester.
Perhaps you came from a home environment where yelling and put-downs were commonplace and
accepted as part of the family dynamic. Many people see nothing wrong with it, but that is only because they are not consciously affected by it. Unfortunately, the unconscious effects are significant. Look at what it did to your self-image and confidence level.
People who come from, or live and work in, a verbally abusive environment are less secure than the
rest of us. They walk around wondering if they will have a job or their relationship tomorrow—not a great way to live.
Among the strongest tools you have to help eliminate this bad behavior is setting your own example. If you yell, you are giving those around you permission (and lessons) to do the same. If the cycle has been around for a couple of generations, this may be time to make a change. It’s not as difficult as you may think.
The first thing you need to do is become aware of the behavior. Catching yourself is a good place to start.
Realizing that you actually do occasionally become overbearing will help you stop yourself.
Those who are truly brave and who really want their lives to be better will also give their loved ones
(as well as friends and/or coworkers) permission to remind them, when they engage in loud conversations, that yelling isn’t something they want to do any longer. It can take a moment to remember why you don’t want to be verbally abusive and want to calm yourself down.
Techniques for finding that calm can be as simple as taking a walk, going into your backyard, taking a very deep breath, or just closing your eyes and mentally putting yourself into a better emotional state. It’s hard when you get overheated to stop verbal abuse in its tracks, but the results are worth it. This is a case in which practice makes perfect, and the more times you try to break the pattern, the easier it will be.
Learning to avoid the destructive energy of verbal abuse will make your life better, at home and anywhere else. You will also gain self-respect and confidence because you are dealing with life in an adult manner, and you will get respect from others in return.
So watch yourself and learn to speak in a tone that will make your friends and family welcome your
conversations and suggestions. You don’t ever need to lower yourself by raising your voice.
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